A Romans In Attics
by SWEETHEARTedwige
Summary: This is the thrilling tale of how Jane Eyre overcame her facade as a demure governess and utilized the skills necessary to snag the oh-so-sexy Mr. Rochester. The poor writing is intentional and for the purpose of humor. Hopefully it will be over soon. If you are looking for a taste of My Immortal but would prefer not to have to shoot yourself in the face afterwards, this is for you
1. Chapter 1

Jane Eyre sat in the garden working on her cross-stick. The big Rochester mansion loomed behind her like a Border's bookstore that had gone out of business. The windows shadowy and shuttered. On a bench next to the flowers she accidentally picked her finger with the needle. "Ow," she said.

"Are you okay Jane" Mr. Rotchester asked. He picked up her finger and licked the injury clean very sexy.

"It's Jewel," Jane said "my new name is Jewel Aire Starcatcher."

"That suites you so well." Mr. Rochester said. "Because you are so beautiful."

Jeweled was wearing an English gothic dress with lots of lace but it wasn't too girly because it was blood-red with black. Her hair piled into a bun like a slipping chinchilla on her head. She had very velouruptuous lips that were very red. Mr. Rotchester couldn't not help but notice how beautiful Jewel was especially since her dress showed the tops of her boobs.

Jane blushes. The man reaches over to a rose bush and picks a red rose and puts it behind Jane's ear, where the sunlight hits the rose and casts a rosy glow over Jane's cheek and the slope of Jane's neck.

"Jewel I am saddened but I must to go," Mr. Rothester said. "I have to care for my insane wife, whom I do not love because she is on bath salts but whom I protect because I am gentleman."

"Okay" Jewel said she was sad but she new he had to. "May I call you R since your name is long to write"

"Anything for you" he said and walked inside, the tails of his coats flapping in his awake.

The sparrows were singing, but Jane was thinking darkly like a vulture. 'Oh, my love for him consumes me! I have to get rid of his wife so we can be together because otherwise it would be sin.' Although the sky was blew and cheerful, she glanced nervously left and right. Carefully Jane pulled up her skirt to the thigh, exposing a dagger held in a gator belt. 'It's a good thing I used to be an assassin,' she thought, 'so I have the skills necessary to dispatch of her. Because true love always prevails.'

As she slid the knife free the rose that was behind her ear fell from behind her ear and landed on the ground very dramatically. Petals fell off the center and four shadowed the dangerous future of Jewel Aire Starcatcher's fated romance.


	2. Part Two

By dinnertime, Jane was ready to execute her execution. She slipped quietly into the dining hall. Mr Rotchester was very rich and the hall was even longer than the one at Hogwarts. The tables covered by silver cutlery and big bowels of Jane's favorite roses. R was already their, sipping a glass of red wine.

"Jane, please do join us" he said. There were other people at the table. They were all Mr. Rochester's rich friends and were having condescending conservations into their jeweled dresses and platinum cufflinks. Jewel felt very conspicuous with her plain brown dress. _I hope no one notices that I stuffed my brassiere with anthrax_, she thought.

"How are you" Jane murmured to her employer he nodded and whipped hands on his napkin

"I'm doing well thank you," he said.

Just then a maid walked up to pour some whine for Jane. Jane stuck out her foot in secret so the maid would trip. The maid tripped without seeing Jane's vintage leather riding boots with metal grommets in the shape of skulls and the pitcher shattered against the table.

Jewel quickly whet her sleeve with the red liquid. "Oh dear" she said acting really well and not at all like Kirsten Stewart "I think I have been injured"

There were gasps from the guests. "Oh no!" cried R. "I will take you to get treated write away!" "No" said Jane (although she very much wanted his attention) "I can bandage it myself."

This was the perfect chance for Jane to sneak away for dastardly plot for his wife. She excuse herself and snuck upstairs. The stairs were covered in plush Velveeta carpets with gold tassels. The carpets were so deep nobody heard Jane's footsteps all the way to the attic.

At the attic door, Jane hesitates. She collects herself and checks for her dagger before going in. The murder has to look like an accident, like the woman had fallen on the knife repeatedly. It was a good thing Jane went to assassin school or she would have no idea what she was doing.

Jewel picked the lock with her heir pins and stepped inside. The room was very dark and shadowy, with curtains over all the windows. Jewel could vaguely make out a canopy bed in one corner and debris strewn across the flour. But where was R's beloved mental patient?

Just then a figure rose from the ground to her right. Jane wiped around to see a tall, dark figure swaying in the darkness. She pulled her dagger and braced for fighting. The creature took a step toward her, into a patch of stale sunlight.

"Hello, Jane. I've been weighting for you," a feminine voice said. Jane was shock. How could the supposedly crazy wife know about her plans? But before she could think, she saw the creature's face.

_Is that a tentacle mustache?_


	3. Chapter 3

The person in front of Jane looked mostly like a very sexy woman and Jane would have been very insecure except that Jane was also very sexy herself, just not a bitch about it. The woman had a swimsuit model's body except her hair and jaw with dripping with thick tentacles colored light green like juniper bushes. It was so surprising that Jane almost drop dagger.

"Who are you !" Jane demanded she got angry very quick to cover up her fear.

"My name is Bathes'aleis'tshdi-kruit'al," the woman said "I am the daughter of Cthulu."

Like every good assassin, Jane was well-versed in the lore of the elder gods. "Are you a god then!" she cried.

"I used to be the most beautiful and powerful," said Bathes'aleis'tshdi-kruit'al, "but then I was banished because I got bitten by a vampire." She drew back her nose-area tentacles to reveal a perfect red mouth full of jagged fangs like a shark eating a blender.

Jewel was very worried, she had experience killing vampires but not aquatic deities. She decided she would keep the woman talking longer so she could think. "But how did you fool Mr. Rotchetester?" she asked. "He was supposed to be caring for his wife!"

"Don't you know Jane all vampires can do slight mind control," Bathes'aleis'tshdi-kruit'al said. "I just convinced him I was his dear Drew Barrymore and he was none the wise. Well, until he locked me in this closet." Her tentacles flipped in disgust. "But no matter. Now I can kill you and take your place in the loving embrace of his tender loins!"

Jane snapped her fingers in a Z formation. "What does that even mean" she said "You sound like a daytime soap. Oh wait. I bet you don't even use soap!" Thinking at a fast speed, Jane shucked off her boots and threw them heel-first at the monster who caught the shoes with her tentacles and then ate them like hotdogs.

"Haha you'll have to do better then that!" Bathes'aleis'tshdi-kruit'al cackled, but Jane had a plan. She ran to the edge of the room and opened all the curtains, letting light flood the room. When the light hit the half-vampire, she fell to her knees in agony.

"Arrrghghggh this is like a thousand times worse that burning yourself with a curling iron" Bathes'aleis'tshdi-kruit'al said. "Alright I accept you as a worthy adversary Jane. Before I die, you must know my real name in English is Booty Booty Delish Tonka Fruit Loops"

"Thank you," said Jane, "I will remember it forever." Just as Booty Booty Delish crumpled into dust, the door behind them banged open it was Rotchhesester, looking very upset.

"Jane I heard so many noises and I was so worried! What happened?" He asked.

"I heard some sounds of distress from this room so I came by to help and something attacked me and ran away!" Jane lied really well. "I am so glad you are here now, I was so afraid!"

"I should have never abandoned you like that," Mr. Rocketer said. "Jane, I have to ask you a question now because this event has shown me how much I care about you. Will you be my eternally wedded wife for now and 5ever?"

"Actually my name is Jewel but I will totally be your wife!" Jane cried and hugged Mr. Rockester. He was so tall with broad shoulders and he smelled like sandalwood (which is not actually wood with somebody's sandals on it.) Her face was streaked with dirt and her skirts were torn to show some very curvaceous ankle bones but she already in wedding white in his mind. Both of them were so happy like they were on Ecstasy but don't do Ecstasy because my friend tried it once and got really sick.

Little did they know that R's real wife was still alive and waiting for revenge…

TO BE CONTINUE


End file.
